Isn’t today over yet?

I’m feeling grotty. I have a cough that seems to have appeared out of nowhere, and I’ve had a headache for the past three days, though today it has vanished at intervals so I’ve had a bit of respite from that at least!

Yesterday was a washout, spent mostly on the sofa with a necessary trip to the supermarket; having bought the food I had then used up all my energy and felt too ill to cook! Changed meal plan  around to something easier and had a very early night – I was in bed soon after nine and asleep before ten I think!

Given my general state of health today, I am pleased to have achieved the following, in between long rests on the sofa:

– Slept until half past nine, when I was woken by a phonecall from my partner in crime at college; partly to see how I am (last time I saw him I looked so terrible he gave me a hug!) and partly to stress at me about assignments I can’t even think about yet. I’m not sure how reassuring I managed to be, but I tried!

– Folded and put away a load of washing that has been waiting in the basket for a couple of days. Hung up the wash load I did yesterday.

– Walked into town with Three to purchase new bowls after I accidentally decluttered her breakfast bowl this morning all over the floor into lots of pieces… oops! As we were then down to three bowls between four people, I thought it was time to get some more!

– Got around to putting the daffodils I bought yesterday into two vases, to brighten up the dining room and the living room.

– Made 15 pancakes and 20 Easter nests (shredded wheat chocolate crispie cakes with mini eggs on top).

I have also coughed a fair bit, grumbled, got very irritable at times and constantly wondered ‘how long till bedtime?’!

I think another very early night is on the cards.

Today

Getting up this morning was quite difficult. Adjusting to one less hour takes a day or two.

No school run (Two and Three were taken to school by their dad as they’ve been with him this weekend) meant I could get a head start on the day. The sunshine outside meant I actually wanted to get that head start, so that worked quite well!

Bedding and towels were washed, and got dry outside. Weather absolutely glorious, all day. Perfect drying weather (yes I’m afraid I spend the whole of spring, summer and autumn relating to the weather purely in terms of if it will dry the washing for me. I may be a sad case, but I don’t care…)

All yesterday’s dry washing got folded and put away. Not all by me, I hasten to add!

The almost obligatory phonecall from school came at 3.35 when we were just about to leave for the dentist. This meant that One and Two were late for their appointment.

Two of the pastoral staff from the secondary school are coming round to the house after Easter to do a pre-CAF assessment. All of the ‘hypothetical’ things I learned and wrote about for my Multi Agency Working assignment last year are coming true in my own life. I knew it would come in useful for something…

Taking three exuberant, lively, chatty, giggly children to the dentist is exhausting. And Two bit the dentist’s finger by accident. Then giggled about it. Oops. I think she was quite glad when we left (leaving apologies in our wake)…

Next stop the doctor’s surgery where I had my review appointment. Verdict: things in general depression wise are definitely heading in the right direction. I can expect to be on the antidepressants for a few more months yet but it’s all quite positive. The various family stresses are still taking their toll on my energy and time, though. I have another sick note signing me off for two more months.

After tea, I sat outside from seven o’clock until half past eight, with one mug of tea and then a second mug of tea, and watched the moon and stars come out. I can thoroughly recommend this way of gently easing into the evening.

Now, two children are in bed, and one is in the bath. I’m curled up on the sofa, listening to the silence.

Living life, one day at a time. And this day has been a good one.

And now, here are the news headlines

– It has been a challenging week.

– I’m parenting as hard and as well as I know how.

– I had my ATOS assessment today with a nurse who will put together a report to send to the Department of Work and Pensions Decision Maker. He or she will then Decide (yes the capital letter fits) whether I can continue to receive Employment Support Allowance or whether I will have to jump back on the jobseeker hamster wheel of doom, when I don’t actually have time or energy for anything apart from my currently very vulnerable family.

– With it being a particularly difficult week, I looked pale, had shadows under my eyes and I had been crying before I got there. My hair needed washing and I was totally honest about how difficult I’m finding everything. I’m glad it is over now and I resolve to forget about the possible outcome for the next couple of weeks.

– I was also very honest with the tutors at college tonight. I now have extensions on a couple of assignments to take the pressure off, and I was so relieved that I wept all the way home.

– On the plus side, my Flylady routines are keeping the house, and me, reasonably organised. Meals are planned and tonight’s sausage casserole was particularly fine. I’ve taken out a free three month trial with Lovefilm which includes online streaming, and have a nice long list of dvds to rent and things to watch on the laptop.

I’m so tired. And counting my many blessings in between the tears!

Tough

I can’t even begin to describe the past 24 hours.

So I’m not going to. Not properly in detail anyway, because lots of it isn’t my story to tell.

So instead I am going to focus on the positives. For there are lots:

– When I got a phonecall with unexpected news and was told that someone I didn’t know very well was going to come and sit in my house till I got home, because nobody else was in and nobody could find the key, my first thought wasn’t ‘ARGH’, because the communal areas of the house are looking perfectly acceptable. All of them.

– When I got home and had to go straight back out again to the hospital, I knew exactly where to lay my hands on my knitting, my crossword book and my phone charger. All essentials for an inevitably long wait in A&E!

– My mum is awesome. Truly awesome. Dropped everything and came to the rescue with her superb babysitting skills. Again.

– After getting in from the hospital at ten past three this morning, I did my ‘evening’ routine on autopilot before collapsing into bed. This meant that:

– This morning when I woke up after three hours’ sleep, I had clothes laid out to put straight on, the kitchen was clean, the dining table was clean and there were bowls of porridge ready in the fridge to just microwave for breakfast.

– We have a Family Support Worker. I met him this morning when he came round to our house for the first time, and I have a feeling that this is going to be exactly what we need.

– Mum collected Three from school at a last minute request when it was obvious I wasn’t going to be back from a meeting at the hospital in time to get there for three o’clock. I think Mum will be getting some flowers soon.

– On our eventual return home, One and I had the house to ourselves for some much needed peace and quiet, and I drank a pint mug of tea and then fell asleep on the sofa.

– Because I had planned meals and the kitchen was tidy this morning, piping hot sausage casserole was ready in the slow cooker to just spoon out on to plates at teatime.

– I am bunking off college tonight. Legally I might add – I have sent my apologies. It was the right decision because I am mentally and physically drained. My mind is fluttering off in a million different directions and there is no way in the world I could have focused on anything even vaguely academic for more than fifteen seconds at a time.

It has been a tough week, but as a single parent I’m a tough cookie! We have to be… I’m coping mainly because the routines I began to set in place a month ago are now happening automatically and things are just… getting done. And the things that aren’t getting done, I am being honest about and beginning the process of getting some help with them.

Oh and I think the antidepressants are having quite a lot to do with the fact that my house, along with my mind is starting to get in order, too.

Well, I like the train, and I like Chester…

…but which one is better?

There’s only one way to find out!

No, no, not a FIGHT* but a trip to Chester on the train of course! And it turns out they are both equally good (apart from being sat on the floor in the train corridor on the way home because we happened to land on a very full one that was going all the way to Euston after it dropped us off in Crewe!).

A lovely lie in was a nice way to start the day. I heard the town centre clock strike 8, and then seemingly about 5 minutes later after lots more peaceful slumber, I heard it strike 9. Finally emerged from my bed at about quarter to 10; how blissfully lazy!

Two (oops, I mean One. Two and Three are both with their dad in another city altogether!) and I had a good time using our family railcard for the first time, thus saving about seven quid on the train fare to Chester for the two of us! We pottered about the city; she had a clothes budget for Primark and managed to get some things she really liked (including the snuggliest dressing gown I have ever seen; I’m quite envious!). We had a drink and a muffin in McDonald’s (as that is much cheaper than your average posh coffee shop, hehe!), looked round HMV, Poundland, Wilkinson’s, and a fab independent little shop full of the most amazing ‘alternative’ type clothes – I fell in love with half of them and I think One was in love with all of them! She is already eyeing up beautiful ‘gothy’ type dresses for her year 11 prom!

We got home in time for a bit of college work for me (including signing up for ‘Dropbox’ after someone else on my course recommended it following a disastrous corruption of some of her files on her memory stick which meant she had to write a huge chunk of her assignment again, eek) and a big clothes sort out for One – the ‘deal’ for having the money for clothes today was that she sorted out everything she doesn’t wear any more and got it all out of her room, so that she only has clothes that fit her and that she will wear, in there. A good job well done!

So it has been a day of fun and also productivity! I’ve really enjoyed spending some quality time with my gorgeous oldest daughter. 🙂

And now I am absolutely knackered and fit for nothing but an evening on the sofa! Early night for me I reckon

*With apologies to Harry Hill!

First sign of madness…

After a day in which I:

– pored over my post it notes

– did lots of typing

– completed Task One (all 1525 words of it)

– did some more research and note making for Task Two (2000 words, as yet unwritten)

– sorted out The Shoe Basket Of Doom

– sat and watched mindless TV for about three hours (massive treat to self; I never do that!)

I just found myself standing in my bathroom, drying myself with my towel, sticking little bits of loo roll on various bits of myself, and lamenting in a loud voice (to myself, as there is nobody else here) about why I can’t seem to shave my legs without making myself bleed, every single flipping time…

…and then I remembered the bathroom window was open.

Oops…

I fear there is crazy cat lady-dom in my future if I carry on like this!

Taking a moment

My favourite moment of my day so far:

Snuggling up on a cosy sofa

 

 

 

 

 

 

Drinking my first cuppa of the day

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Watching the rain pour down outside the window

 

 

 

 

 

 

Before going back to this

 

 

 

 

 

 

And all in total silence.

Bliss. It doesn’t take much, really. I’m very easily pleased!

(Disclaimer: Yes I am missing my children. Very much. And yes I will be delighted to have the noise and the chaos back on Monday. But a total absence of noise and chaos is still a real treat!)

Alone

One, Two and Three are now with their dad for the rest of half term.

It took about 15 minutes for me to start talking to myself out loud, and not much longer before I was making cheesy chips to have for tea. I descend to a very basic level of comfort carbs and conversing with myself very quickly indeed!

My plans are sketchy, but will definitely include lots of college work (including some time spent in the uni library tomorrow), and a trip to my favourite local National Trust property with my camera, by way of a reward for the college work I am going to do! Wandering round a beautiful garden by myself, taking as many photographs as I like, as slowly as I like, with nobody telling me to hurry up and move on, sounds like absolute bliss.

For tonight, I have to wrestle with an incredibly full wheelie bin and get it outside ready for the morning, and then I’m going to have a bath, revelling in the fact that for tonight the hot water is mine, all mine (mwahahahaha, yes I have a teenager…), then take myself off to bed – sleep was rather slow in arriving last night and I have dark circles under my eyes today!

A little daylight

One of the characters in one of the Miss Read books, perfect comfort reads for me – shame I can’t remember which character or which book – says that she always goes for a walk after tea on February 1st because it is finally light enough to do so. And as the daylight begins to stretch later into each day, I seem to be slowly, tentatively, emerging from the darkness and chaos that has embodied my life for the past few weeks.

Hot on the heels of the tidy pantry came the shiny sink. And with the shiny sink came the decision to try following the Flylady system again for the first time in several years. It isn’t for everyone, and I find I need to tweak it for our home and family circumstances, but it did wonders for the chaos in our house and in my head when I had two tiny children, and thought it was probably worth a try again given I have pretty much entirely reached the end of my levels of cope recently.

All I have done so far is made myself very simple checklists for morning, daytime and before bed. It has the bare essentials on it only – I am very good at getting tangled up with non-important stuff and forgetting the basics.

And over the past two days, the house has been slowly changing. We now have a tidy living room and pantry (which were already done), plus a tidy kitchen, entrance hall and bathroom. I’ve found a document I desperately needed but couldn’t locate the other day, whilst doing a 15 minute declutter in the dining room today. I’ve got some college work done, and made a good start on tidying my tip of a bedroom.

I definitely feel less overwhelmed than I did a couple of days ago, and the tiny basic routines are giving me the structure I struggle so badly with creating for myself, and helping me to feel my way carefully, one step at a time, through each day, which I really need at the moment.

With tidying the pantry, which started all this off, came the re-discovery of the sandwich toaster I bought in Asda one day when I was pregnant with Three and craving toasties. I had toasties every day for months and then eventually it started gathering dust. Today I got it out and fed the girls cheese and beans toasties for their tea before I went out to college.

Making delicious toasties – approximately five minutes. Cleaning the wretched thing afterwards – approximately five hours…  now I remember why it was gathering dust! 😉 However, I believe the toasties were worth it and we will be using it more often. I’ll have to try and remember all the interesting sandwich combinations I thought were so delicious when I was pregnant back in the day!

This week in a nutshell

(Also known as ‘Flipping heck I haven’t blogged since last Sunday and that was just a photograph’.)

– Being back in school again volunteering (Monday and Wednesday) in year 4 for my college placement. I love, love, love it. The teachers I am lucky enough to work with are both fabulous, and this year 4 are a bit special because I was volunteering in year 2 two years ago and so I know them all already. It has also been fun bumping into the new year 5s who I was with last year and being greeted with big smiles!

– Beginning to learn to crochet at the single parents’ group I go to on a Tuesday morning. I found that much more difficult than I was expecting and very frustrating! As a knitter I expected rather arrogantly to find crochet easy, and it is far more different from knitting than I had realised. I came home feeling quite cross and very humbled. I will try again next week and refuse to give up just because I can’t produce something perfect straight away!

– Going back to college on Thursday evening for the second year of my Foundation Degree in Supporting Teaching and Learning. I was nervous about going back and for the first half an hour or so it all felt quite strange – we’ve had three months off over the summer! But as the evening went on, it soon felt as though we’d never been away. It was lovely to see the rest of the group again and catch up a bit. Now, bring on the work…. I think!

– Suddenly finding several job vacancies going which I can apply for. After a summer drought this is very welcome, and I am hoping with all my might that at least one of the schools might choose to interview me. Please everyone cross everything that there might be a job for me out there this month! I want one so badly – though it would be a bitter sweet moment because when I do find paid work I am going to miss my volunteering in year 4 dreadfully. 😦

– Driving over to see my partner for the weekend. Alternating tidying and a bit of shopping with a lot of lazing around, so far! Just what I needed.

– Smelling Imperial Leather soap just now and being immediately transported back over 30 years to my grandma’s kitchen circa 1979! It is amazing how evocative scents can be; I am frequently getting ambushed by memories when I least expect it!

It has been a busy week. The parts I haven’t mentioned have filled up the rest of it – school runs, tidying up, feeding us all, grocery shopping, filling in forms for school, Beavers, youth club etc., signing on (my fortnightly ritual humiliation at the job centre), generally doing all the stuff that keeps a family ticking over.

Life is never dull, and it is rarely quiet. I’m trying very hard to create blocks of silence and alone in the middle of each busy day, because I thrive on silence and alone. I am still working on that one as it isn’t easy, but it is what will keep me sane as I travel this single parent path!